I am what I am

Challenging. Fiery. Down. Different. Dented. Politics. Be strong. Speed. Take it easy.

The above mentioned words basically sum the ongoings in my life in the past month. As many of you know, I'm past my first month of actual working life; and I will affirm the old saying by many elders, "It's not easy.."

Indeed, you may argue that it is never easy. But talking about work, I am not. In fact, the work (or admittedly the lack of it, sometimes) has been the best part of things. I think I'm doing pretty alright in that field. Keyword being think.

I'm referring to the soft skills, the life skills - the other 50% of what matters. Some of you probably are reading this in disbelief, when I am willingly admitting that, "Yes, I am not that good with people after all.." I've neither problem with honesty, nor with humility.

But finding out - not through thought but through experience after experience - that you were wrong all this while about yourself and many other things is like a reality check that didn't ring the doorbell. I was hit, and injured badly. It's not easy crawling on a battlefield that you cannot get out of and constantly taking bullets while you try to switch to offense mode.

Truth be told, this is one of the few times of my life where I am caught off guard. Many other a time I would be pretty sure of my exact position; through thorough bouts of self-contemplation and reflection on foreseeable misgivings, which would then enable me to make quick fixes.

So this is..new to me.

But new is good. I always welcome new - good or bad. Because this is how us homosapiens grow and differentiate ourselves from the rest. Reminds me of the rather thin yet profound book called Who moved my cheese by Dr Spencer Johnson where he implied that if you don't welcome (or at least accept) change, you better be good at counting spare change.

So I persevered and took on the challenge, knowing that winning this battle would give me a crucial edge in this game called life - where the strong survive, but the best conquer. I sought to improve myself by whatever means necessary - and I mean whatever. I searched and searched for answers in books, articles and such, but none seemed to be helping as much as I hoped.

Then the old adage "Rome wasn't built in a day, you idiot.." hit me. (yeah, the last part was from the devil within) Then I realized, that no matter how many baby steps you have to take, walk the distance as it is the only way.

Now here lies another complication. When you see the other generals in the same battlefield yet winning and slaughtering their enemies effortlessly, the pressure to at least match their level arises. So I started learning from the best of them and I did improve a fair bit.

But it reached an extent where I felt confused; confused on my own identity. You see, in this whole pursuit of 'a better me', I seemed to have lost my passion for all things else. Interests that previously sculpted my and others' image of myself. Music, singing, guitars, graphics, writing aka blogging, exercise are among the justinian activities that I have forcefully let go off due to time and energy constraints. And more than anything, it takes out the fun out of living.

When I realized this, I zoomed out on my game stopped everything, paused it took a deep breath, and looked at the big picture and started contemplating...

Was I that bad? Am I better.. or worse off? What are the reactions? What about work-life balance? Can you keep doing this?

Yes.. and no.

Because you've learnt in one month what you would've expect to be tenfold of that period! To throw away everything that has made me a better man would be foolish - read: understatement.

And on the other hand, to change 20 years of who you are and have become is impossible (and will make you look like an absolute fool when people realize that you're not even good at being "yourself") Because I am what I am, and not even I can change that.