Thanks, Ama.

To tell you the truth, I've been both desperate and hesitant to put up a post. Desperate because there's so many emotions and thoughts flowing past that I wish I had a thoughts recorder (another sign that I'm being pampered by my PDA) and hesitant; because they're literally worlds apart in terms of pleasantness.

Previously, I mentioned that I was in Penang celebrating Su's birthday but I didn't mention that all plans had to be cut short when I got a call from my younger sister.

"Ko, mommy ask you to come back now..", she begins in a shuddering tone. "Why?", I ask. "Ama just passed away.. so mommy ask you to come back now.." *silence* "...ko?"

I was staring at the wall, struck. "Think think think!", I shouted inside, as though trying to wake my paralyzed self. And I knew that I wouldn't be at peace with myself if I stayed the night despite the fact that I might reach at 5am when everyone's still fast asleep. It's family. It's blood, and blood's thicker than water.

"I'll get the first bus back.", I replied. I informed sulyn and her parents about the emergency. 20 mins later I was on a bus home.

My paternal grandmother whom i called Ama was diagnosed with the 'Big C' slightly more than a year ago. Doctors gave her 6 months; meaning that she championed through those expectations despite having statistical odds stacked against her. But it was anything but an easy route as she had to undergo a few major operations including an insertion of a metal plate into her knee. Only until recently was she unable to move by herself and her speech downgraded to monosyllables implying that she was actually pretty healthy in her 70s. Unfortunately as months went by, the frequency doctor visits increased with the deterioration of her vital organs.

Throughout my journey, my mind wandered to the past.. returned to the present and ventured into the future. I started recalling the times I had in Rasa (my hometown). Ah, good times - Chinese New Year, especially. My cousins and I would walk to the town to buy 10sen ice-pops just after our home cooked meals with the myriad of Chinese food that my Ama and Akong would have prepared. Despite Ama coming from a poor background and working as a rubber tapper once, she and my grandfather has never failed to put food on the table for all 8 children. When these same thoughts came to mind at the reunion dinner with many of my successful uncles and aunts, I pondered in awe of how far we've come. I'll tell you a funny thing, one of the last things I heard my grandmother talking to me was Gik Fun, Cantonese for marry. O_o" So you can imagine the questions I'll be getting the next time I attend a family wedding. Kudos to SL for laughing in the face of pressure tho, lol.

Then there was the funeral itself. Initially my dad and his siblings wanted to have the wake and funeral in Nirvana's (NV) Funeral Memorial Parlour which looked more like a hotel than anything. My mom and I just could not accept this idea of a funeral which would be so impersonal. The sales rep even said that people who normally use this facility are either without a family or living in a condominium. And it costs a bomb, at that. So finally it was held in my front porch.

Friends and relatives came from as far as Singapore and Penang to pay their last respects. Many whom I have never seen and will probably not see in a long time. And judging by the reason, not meeting would be the best hope. On the first day, my mother delivered a memorable eulogy. The notable part of it was when she said, "She was a very strong woman. And even in her last days, she was a very proud woman.. because she never wanted to trouble anyone.." At this point, my mother was about to burst out in tears because hit her hard and deep.
My grandmother was living in our house for about 2 months until she decided to move out. Despite warm reassurance from all of us, she - like my mom said - didn't want to trouble anyone and shifted out to a condo with my aunt. Nothing compared to having my maid walking in and out, it was lonely and quiet in the 3-room unit.
My mother's face turned red with distress, trying to finish her speech when sounds of sniffling noses and weeping people became apparent. Yes, my tear ducts couldn't hold it in too.

On the day of the funeral, everyone was wide awake by 8 including mua reason being I was put on 'guard' for the night. (So I stayed up, on guard, while finishing 6 episodes of Heroes). By morning, I looked all wolfenstein but was energetic enough to accompany my dad to buy breakfast for the Wong army. I think he took it literally and was practically stocking up for war. When everything costs about RM1-2, RM100+ on breakfast is no joke.

After the final service in the morning, the casket was loaded into the hearse. The family members then walked behind it for some distance. (although I am still not clear of the significance of doing so, and I hope someone will enlighten me). I actually sat in the hearse with my 3 uncles on our way to the memorial ground.

On the way, we drove at a constant speed of 70km/h while other drivers sped by. Then a moment of reflection. It's actually that way in human form too and ticks me off. Somehow, I don't think humans are that selfless to pity another mourning person. Instead they just want to get by and do their own thing. Then again, seeing that couldn't give two hoots about local crime and happenings, even I plead guilty. Maybe I should be a little more empathetic.

When, the whole entourage reached, we had the final prayer and bid goodbye to the earthly body of my grandma, Chen Piang who is now with the Lord. May she rest in peace.

Ya know, during this whole procession, I couldn't help but think of how I wanted my funeral to be. I didn't want any tears, but laughter abound instead! I want a jazz band playing in the background. I wanted black priests to deliver their powerful speeches. I wanted people to remember me with a smile, rather than have their memories soaked in a tissue. But then again, why'm I ridiculously thinking about the end? Carpe Diem man, carpe diem.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.."

Thanks to everyone who has been" supportive towards my family in times of despair, be it emotionally, financially and your condolences.